My Experience with Coach, the Narcissist By Sonia Leung

My Experience with Coach, the Narcissist By Sonia Leung

NOTE: Content warning – the subject matter could be disturbing to some readers (rape).

Why would you describe Coach as a narcissist?

On the first day we met, he put me in the center of our table tennis team and shone a spotlight on me. The intensive attention and excessive flattery he subsequently gave me made me feel like a pearl in his palm, something I yearned for from my parents, which remained a yearning. Coach had a charming persona and claimed himself as a successful entrepreneur and sportsman. However, he displayed inconsistent behaviors gradually. For instance, he was kind and generous to me but mean and unforgiving to the other team members, especially the younger boys, who could not challenge him.

Then, he demanded my constant reassurance that I appreciated and admired him. Furthermore, he often reminded me how much he had gone out of his way to help me, telling me the sacrifices he made to train me, took me to participate in competitions, and be there for me, championing me. He excelled in gaslighting, making me believe only he had my best interest at heart.

During training, he came extremely close to me from behind to ‘readjust’ my gestures. It was as if he enfolded me, making me part of him.   

Do you think he fits any certain subcategory or type of narcissistic personality disorder?

Covert Narcissism.

Describe your personality before/ after you met him.

Before: Hyper-sensitive, insecure, but assertive, self-reliant, optimistic

After: Hyper-sensitive, more insecure, less assertive, self-reliant, optimistic.

I lived in constant fear that I would lose his ‘love and care’ if I did not always do as he said.

How would you describe your relationship with him?

I looked up to him as a fatherly figure. So, my relationship with him was tense, as I constantly sought his approval, and he increasingly showed how much he ‘loved’ me.

Describe your childhood in broad strokes.

My parents had an arranged marriage. Father loved Mother at first sight, but his love was never reciprocated. As a hyper-sensitive child, I could feel the tension between them and often felt insecure and anxious. I probably suffered from insomnia since age three because I had a hard time falling and staying asleep, and I woke very easily.

I fell in love with classical Chinese literature when I was ten and became an avid reader. My Primary 5 Chinese teacher told me I could write, and it became the only thing I was proud of. Since then, I set high standards for myself, and whatever I do, I must give my best.

Describe your home life in broad strokes.

I felt like a shadow at home.

Father might not notice if I did not address him once throughout the year. Mother often showed her preference for Elder Brother and Younger Sister, as she showered them with love and attention. Elder Sister, like Father, has always been a distant figure.

It felt like my family could have a better life without me.

How was Coach abusive?

He raped me. After more than a year’s training, he gained my total trust. When it was time to choose which secondary school to attend, I consulted him only. He advised me to join a sports college because I could then qualify for the Hong Kong Junior Table Tennis Team.

He told me the sports college application included a physical check-up and said he could do the preliminary test for me. I had no idea what it was and followed him home. He raped me there. I was fourteen.

What have been the long-term impacts of this early life experience on you?

The rape has haunted me since, to a much lesser extent now, but I can still see the assault vividly and believe its effect will ripple over the rest of my life.

After the attack, I felt like a lesser human being and did not think I deserved love. I could not let other good men I later met love me. I was inadequate in my relationships and could not allow myself to become a mother when I was pregnant once.

My depression worsened, and I became suicidal. My insomnia heightened as I associated bed with terror.

When did you realize or begin to suspect he was a narcissist?

I only realized it about twelve years after the rape when I began to receive counseling.

But I avoided him completely after the rape, knowing that he was not what he said. He was not who he said he was. The realization sent me into total silence and a complete withdrawal. I avoided him and shut myself down, disconnecting even with myself. I felt like a snail without a shell – naked and awkward.  

I have never seen him again, and I never wanted to. I know he will eventually receive a severe reprimand for his behavior if he has not already.

Describe your healing process.

I left him, left home, left Hong Kong. Traveling alone to Taiwan without knowing anyone there, I wandered for two years, read a great deal, and self-educated.

After returning to Hong Kong, I worked during the day and continued studying in the evening. Then, I made it to the US and obtained my degree. Working and studying further, I attained my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. The cumulative achievements empower me to keep going and rebuild my life and self-esteem.

The strangers I met on the road who gave me unconditional love, the reading, the counseling, and the studying – all have taken part in my healing.

Most importantly, I started writing when I turned 40 in 2014. Since then, I have taken the narrative back and published my first book, a bilingual poetry collection, Don’t Cry, Phoenix, and my memoir, The Girl Who Dreamed, after ten years of hard work.

The realization of my dreams – becoming a writer, publishing my books, and living a creative life – helps me heal and find my authentic self. I hope to continue honing my pen and giving voice to the voiceless like my earlier self.

‘Those of us who can speak,’ said Albert Camus, ‘have a responsibility to say something for those of us who can’t.’

Any takeaway lessons?

You can turn the darkest days of your life into a catalyst for change – a chance to embark on a new journey and recreate your life – because you are capable and worthy.

So, take back the narrative. You deserve the big dream and are worthy of all the love.

Author’s Bio: Sonia Leung is a Hong Kong-based poet and writer. She has won awards for her prose and poetry, including Wordview 2023, and Hong Kong’s Top Story 2015 and 2016. Her work has appeared in literary journals and anthologies worldwide. Sonia released her debut bilingual (English and Chinese) poetry collection, Don’t Cry, Phoenix, with a CD of ten original songs in Taiwan in 2020. Her second book, The Girl Who Dreamed: A Hong Kong Memoir of Triumph against the Odds, is available now. Sonia hopes to publish her third in 2025: Three-inch Heaven – Chinese Women Stories of Resilience and Determination.www.soniaflleung.com